October 25.October 25. Just another day on the calendar. Sounds innocent enough, right? Maybe. Maybe not.
I remember when David presented me the engagement ring. It was Christmas 1985. My sister-in-law Vinnie laughed so hard because only a month before I had declared I would NEVER marry. Yet there I stood wearing the world’s smallest diamond and a biggest smile. I felt so much love that day. So much hope. I saw a life full of adventure.
I don’t recall why we chose October 25th as the day to marry. In hindsight, I suppose it was just a convenient day. When I look back now, I can’t help but wonder, though. Why? Why that day?
I was married on October 25, 1986.
Fast forward 20 some years. It is October 25th, 2006. We are in an emergency room watching my brother-in-law Ryan fight for his life. The events of that night play in my mind in slow-motion and the memory haunts me to this day. The doctors fervently work to save his life—nurses rush, Rae sobs uncontrollably, Danny and David shout Billy’s name. With each frightening shock of the paddles, his body convulses and we see slight movement in hands and feet. Optimistic by what we perceive as Billy’s desperate desire to continue to live, we yell at him to hold on---encouraging him to fight. He simply cannot. He is tired. I’d like to believe there are better things waiting for him elsewhere.
My brother-in-law died on October 25, 2006.
.
Ryan “Billy” Hodges’ death set of a chain of events that changed my life forever. I cannot help but believe that there is significance in his death being shared with my anniversary. I struggled with October 25 since then. Each year was filled with tears and aching and pain. I would hide—alone—in the darkness the entire day and replay my life. My marriage, my daughter, my Brother Billy’s death—what I would consider my failure. I hated that day. It brought my mind and soul to deep, dark depths that people should not have to endure.
It was October 24th, 2010.
One day. Twenty-four hours. In the rise and fall of the sun I would, once again, retreat into what was left of myself and ache. I would go through the motions of the day—laundry, dishes, dinner with seemingly no problem, but deep down inside I would want to crawl into bed, curl up, and let regret drown me and self-blame burn me. I braced myself for the inevitable.
And then, as if by divine intervention, something happened that would forever change not only October 25th, but me as well. At 11:30 am that day, a 7 pound 15 ounce beautiful baby boy was delivered to my daughter, Katherine and, in turn, to me. My grandson--Linkin David Robert Backus—came into my world—I believe—as a reminder of love, of family, and of my future. As I held him and looked into his daddy-like face, tears filled my eyes and joy filled my soul. Could I be so fortunate? Did God truly believe me worthy enough to send a perfect little soul into my world on THIS day? I believe he did. Linkin is my new life. When I hold him I see what is to come. I see first days of school, wrecked pickup trucks, and wresting tournaments for him. I see love, hope and a life full of adventure for me.
Welcome Linkin—and thank you.
Love YaYa
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
October 25
October 25.October 25. Just another day on the calendar. Sounds innocent enough, right? Maybe. Maybe not.
I remember when David presented me the engagement ring. It was Christmas 1985. My sister-in-law Vinnie laughed so hard because only a month before I had declared I would NEVER marry. Yet there I stood wearing the world’s smallest diamond and a biggest smile. I felt so much love that day. So much hope. I saw a life full of adventure.
I don’t recall why we chose October 25th as the day to marry. In hindsight, I suppose it was just a convenient day. When I look back now, I can’t help but wonder, though. Why? Why that day?
I was married on October 25, 1986.
Fast forward 20 some years. It is October 25th, 2006. We are in an emergency room watching my brother-in-law Ryan fight for his life. The events of that night play in my mind in slow-motion and the memory haunts me to this day. The doctors fervently work to save his life—nurses rush, Rae sobs uncontrollably, Danny and David shout Billy’s name. With each frightening shock of the paddles, his body convulses and we see slight movement in hands and feet. Optimistic by what we perceive as Billy’s desperate desire to continue to live, we yell at him to hold on---encouraging him to fight. He simply cannot. He is tired. I’d like to believe there are better things waiting for him elsewhere.
My brother-in-law died on October 25, 2006.
.
Ryan “Billy” Hodges’ death set of a chain of events that changed my life forever. I cannot help but believe that there is significance in his death being shared with my anniversary. I struggled with October 25 since then. Each year was filled with tears and aching and pain. I would hide—alone—in the darkness the entire day and replay my life. My marriage, my daughter, my Brother Billy’s death—what I would consider my failure. I hated that day. It brought my mind and soul to deep, dark depths that people should not have to endure.
It was October 24th, 2010.
One day. Twenty-four hours. In the rise and fall of the sun I would, once again, retreat into what was left of myself and ache. I would go through the motions of the day—laundry, dishes, dinner with seemingly no problem, but deep down inside I would want to crawl into bed, curl up, and let regret drown me and self-blame burn me. I braced myself for the inevitable.
And then, as if by divine intervention, something happened that would forever change not only October 25th, but me as well. At 11:30 am that day, a 7 pound 15 ounce beautiful baby boy was delivered to my daughter, Katherine and, in turn, to me. My grandson--Linkin David Robert Backus—came into my world—I believe—as a reminder of love, of family, and of my future. As I held him and looked into his daddy-like face, tears filled my eyes and joy filled my soul. Could I be so fortunate? Did God truly believe me worthy enough to send a perfect little soul into my world on THIS day? I believe he did. Linkin is my new life. When I hold him I see what is to come. I see first days of school, wrecked pickup trucks, and wresting tournaments for him. I see love, hope and a life full of adventure for me.
Welcome Linkin—and thank you.
Love YaYa
I remember when David presented me the engagement ring. It was Christmas 1985. My sister-in-law Vinnie laughed so hard because only a month before I had declared I would NEVER marry. Yet there I stood wearing the world’s smallest diamond and a biggest smile. I felt so much love that day. So much hope. I saw a life full of adventure.
I don’t recall why we chose October 25th as the day to marry. In hindsight, I suppose it was just a convenient day. When I look back now, I can’t help but wonder, though. Why? Why that day?
I was married on October 25, 1986.
Fast forward 20 some years. It is October 25th, 2006. We are in an emergency room watching my brother-in-law Ryan fight for his life. The events of that night play in my mind in slow-motion and the memory haunts me to this day. The doctors fervently work to save his life—nurses rush, Rae sobs uncontrollably, Danny and David shout Billy’s name. With each frightening shock of the paddles, his body convulses and we see slight movement in hands and feet. Optimistic by what we perceive as Billy’s desperate desire to continue to live, we yell at him to hold on---encouraging him to fight. He simply cannot. He is tired. I’d like to believe there are better things waiting for him elsewhere.
My brother-in-law died on October 25, 2006.
.
Ryan “Billy” Hodges’ death set of a chain of events that changed my life forever. I cannot help but believe that there is significance in his death being shared with my anniversary. I struggled with October 25 since then. Each year was filled with tears and aching and pain. I would hide—alone—in the darkness the entire day and replay my life. My marriage, my daughter, my Brother Billy’s death—what I would consider my failure. I hated that day. It brought my mind and soul to deep, dark depths that people should not have to endure.
It was October 24th, 2010.
One day. Twenty-four hours. In the rise and fall of the sun I would, once again, retreat into what was left of myself and ache. I would go through the motions of the day—laundry, dishes, dinner with seemingly no problem, but deep down inside I would want to crawl into bed, curl up, and let regret drown me and self-blame burn me. I braced myself for the inevitable.
And then, as if by divine intervention, something happened that would forever change not only October 25th, but me as well. At 11:30 am that day, a 7 pound 15 ounce beautiful baby boy was delivered to my daughter, Katherine and, in turn, to me. My grandson--Linkin David Robert Backus—came into my world—I believe—as a reminder of love, of family, and of my future. As I held him and looked into his daddy-like face, tears filled my eyes and joy filled my soul. Could I be so fortunate? Did God truly believe me worthy enough to send a perfect little soul into my world on THIS day? I believe he did. Linkin is my new life. When I hold him I see what is to come. I see first days of school, wrecked pickup trucks, and wresting tournaments for him. I see love, hope and a life full of adventure for me.
Welcome Linkin—and thank you.
Love YaYa
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Every time I read your blog I end up in tears, beautiful, just beautiful.
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