Online Dating

Ok. Ok. I admit it. I have tried online dating. And please, do not start spouting all of the dangers of internet dating—I watch 48 Hours on the ID channel almost every day—so I KNOW! I was weak, forgive me. Here’s the thing though. Are some of these people truly serious about finding a date??? Because if they are, maybe they wouldn’t mind a little advice from an experienced online dater…
1. Screen names. Seriously? Do you seriously believe you are going to find a great relationship with screen names like “2atatime”, “King Trojan”, and “Ladiesi8?” Because I’m here to tell you these are NOT going to bag you anything classy. Then again, maybe you aren’t looking for something classy. Just so you are aware, we are not attracted to men who list their screen name as anything that begins with “dirty” (as in werm, dog, Jimmy, etc.), or ends in “licious” (as in Ralph-a, Bob-a, or Doug-a). Any name with the number 69 is out.
2. Photos. We know you are proud of your martial arts paraphernalia, your Dungeons and Dragons role-playing skills, and your ass tattoo that has an “M” on one cheek and an “M” on the other (yes, for” MOM”—or, if he’s standing on his head “Wow”). I once clicked on a potential date and saw a guy sitting on his couch, with one of those plastic blue totes for a coffee table and a game paddle sitting atop it. Needless to say, I clicked out immediately. Having said this, gentlemen, please trust me when I say we ARE NOT READY for these details of your life. Show us photos of you and your dog, you and your Mom, or you in a suit. Save the jpg files of you in High School Rifle Club for a later date—preferably much later. The worst of the worst? No picture at all. You may as well post a skull and cross bones image for your profile pic.
3. Reading between the lines. We are not stupid. We realize that “likes to cuddle” translates into “I’m too lazy to get off the couch.” We are experienced enough to know that when you answer “I’ll tell you later” when answering the “Marital Status” question, then most likely you are not yet divorced, playing head games with your soon-to-be ex-wife, and on the verge of realizing that your stalking techniques are not as good as you thought they were. “Some college” means you lack the ability to finish projects, “Self-employed” means unemployed, and “Heavyset” means you’ll be buried in a piano case. And, gentlemen? Asking us to pull your finger does not constitute a “good sense of humor.” P.S. Any profile that states, “I’d like a woman who understands that my salvage business comes first” is a definite “NO!” As a rule, always remember, “loves the outdoors” could also mean “homeless, and living under a bridge.”
OK, so these are a few of my suggestions. To be fair, here is my picture and profile…

Screen Name: Effoff
I am looking for a single, non-gay, better than average looking democrat who still contends Hillary Clinton should have been President and Elvis is still alive. Must love potato chips, be completely “pussy-whipped” and love TLC’s “Toddler’s and Tiara’s.” I am hoping to find an honest man close to my age (but looks more like 30) who doesn’t mind dating a graying, curvy alcoholic. I am not interested in sex, cats, or the unemployed—although I am unemployed myself. My perfect date would be to lie on the couch while you make supper, clean up after supper, and follow-up by saying “You are absolutely right” to everything I say. Serious inquiries only.