This One's For The Girls!

I got a lot of responses on last week’s blog. I got the second most hits ever (thanks, guys!). I also received a comment from a friend—Patty Backus Gardepe—who suggested that in all fairness I write one for the girls. Well, this one was a little more difficult. I mean, I can only write from my perspective—so I would be suggesting what I THINK would help. The other difficulty in writing this was, in all honesty, that I kept coming up with ideas to turn him on—which—if you remember correctly, was NOT what the other blog was about. It was about showing her you LOVED her. But, the more I contemplated it, the more I came to the realization that—for most men—the ability to turn them on somehow translates into showing them you love them. Right? Wrong? Who am I to say? Remember, this blog is only my OPINION. It and fifty-cents will get you a copy of coffee. So, here it is. 10 ways to turn your man on. Rules are the same. You can read it, but you have to promise to try one—at least one—and report back. Now, fellas, I KNOW MY GIRLS. They are gonna try this…so this is about to get real good!

1. Flash him. Wait till he least expects it. Stop worrying about your hips or your sags or that belly that started to look like you popped open a container of Pillsbury biscuit dough. Wait till he’s outside and flash him out the window. Wait till he’s getting out of the shower and flash him before stepping out. Do NOT stand around waiting for a reaction. Just flash and dash. If he asks what that was all about—just shrug. Just once. Just this week, give him a booby peek-a-boo.

2. The next time you get up in the middle of the night to pee, come back to bed naked. Take off the flannels, ladies—get rid of the sweats one night—stop worrying about a possible fire or a child walking in (I promise they won’t need therapy even if they do see you naked). Don’t DO anything. Just crawl into bed naked and let HIM discover YOU. Believe you me; if this is something you don’t normally do, he will be suitably impressed. Just once. Just this week, leave your Snoopy P.J.s outside the covers.

3. Take a picture. Be Brave! Be Bold! Throw caution to the wind just this once and take a quick snapshot with your phone. No, not of your face. No, not of the cat, or dog, or the kids Halloween costume. Take a picture of your Ta Ta’s. That’s right. This one takes some courage, I know, believe me I know. But, let’s be fair, if we want them to stop the car and dance with us on a back road—we might need to compromise a little. Just this once. Just this week—say “cheese.”

4. Feel him up. OK! OK! I know it sounds bad. But, remember, this isn’t about romance. This is about turning him on. And, at least in my experience, nothing turns him on more than an unexpected stroke or two. Not in bed! In the grocery store! While sitting on the couch watching Robin Meade on CNN Headline News. Just once. Just this week, during the last 15 minutes of CSI reach out, reach down, and give it a good squeeze or two.

5. Talk dirty. Trust me on this one. And, let’s face it, most of you already know. Leaning in close and whispering those "naughty" words he never hears YOU utter in his ear will change his expression instantly. Since this is a family blog, I won’t list the words here. If, however, you need specific words, e-mail me at hulsehodges@yahoo.com. This works best in a public place it not only turns a man on it creates a sense of excitement and danger of getting caught. The other night I got into bed, snuggled up to my Jerry and whispered, “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.” Holy Crap! You should have seen the look on his face! Ooooh yeah. Just once. Just this week, call it something other than “down there.”

6. Get off your back. Yes, I know it’s comfortable there. Yes I know it’s nice to lay there after a long day AND feel good at the same time. But believe you me, if you’ve seen the ceiling the last 3 out of 4 times you’ve had sex, you need to switch it up. Just once. Just this week, let him look at the ceiling.

7. Suck an ice cube and then lick his nipples. Slowly, in circles starting from the outside of the nipple. Once you get to the inside, quick but gently bite it. No shit. I read this in Cosmo! Just once. Just this week, see if his nipples are as sensitive as yours are!

8. Perineum. Look it up. Work it. Done and Done. Just once. Just this week, the Perineum.

9. Softly, slowly, trace his body with your fingertips. ALL OF IT. Start on his head and neck and work your way down. When you get to the Southern Hemisphere skip it and move onto his legs and feet. Wait until he is convinced you’re done tracing and THEN put it in overdrive and reach for the stick shift.

10. If all else fails, bake a goddamn apple pie! What do I know?

This One's For The Boys...

OK fellas. It’s time. It’s time to step up to the plate and take care of some business with the woman you love. And I can tell you from experience that IF YOU DON’T, SOMEONE ELSE WILL. So, I am here to help. Here it is. My list of 10 things. 10 very simple, inexpensive, EASY things you can do to show her—really show her that you still love her. I’ve thought about these for a while now. Just thinking about what it would take to sweep me off my feet. And, because I’m a writer, words swirled and danced in my head that made me feel as though these 10 things would work. Words like surprise, whispers, unexpected, and quiet love. Come on now, fellas. Don’t wuss out on me now. Try one. Just one. Try one of the 10 this week—and then—get back to me on her reaction. I GUARANTEE IT WILL BE WONDERFUL. OK, here they are in no particular order.

1. The next time you are in a public place--(YES IT HAS TO BE A PUBLIC PLACE)—stop her. Put your hands on her shoulders, stop her grocery cart, take whatever she is holding in her hands and set it down turn her to face you, tuck her hair behind her ear and give her one, little, bare-whisper of a kiss. AND DO NOT LOSE EYE CONTACT. Don’t say anything, don’t do anything else. Give her back her things (better yet hold them for her!) and move on.

2. The next time you are driving together (no kids on this one), stop on the side of the road unexpectedly. Wait for a beautiful slow song. Turn it up. Way up. Get out of the car, go to her side, open the door, pull her out and slow dance with her. Don’t say anything for chrissakes, you’ll screw it up. Just dance and hold her.

3. The next time she is in the shower, stick her bath towels in the dryer and meet her when she opens the shower door with warm bath towels and a warm kiss. If she asks any questions, just shrug. THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEX, SO FORGET IT. It’s about romance. So don’t go in there expecting a visit to the Southern Hemisphere. Just a warm kiss. And, again? Do not lose eye contact.

4. One day this week. One time this week. Just once in your life for chrissakes, compliment her in front of others. Mention how good her cooking is or how she is such a good Mom. SURPRISE THE SHIT OUT OF HER AND SAY SOMETHING DECENT IN FRONT OF OTHERS. I know. I know. Something new for you—just try it. Trust me; it’ll take you a long way.

5. YOU SLEEP IN THE WET SPOT.

6. Go up behind her. Whether she’s cooking, or doing dishes, or on the phone. Just quietly go up behind her (please resist the hard slap on the ass—it’s not as great as you’ve been thinking) and put your arms around her from behind. Just hold her and sway a little bit. And listen to this….soft kisses on the neck are irresistible. TOTALLY. Don’t bump. Don’t grind. Just sway.

7. Tell the kids you need to talk to them. Tell them it’s a “family meeting” (yeah, like on the Brady Bunch—get over it). Make sure she’s there too. Don’t tell her anything. Once the kids are assembled, tell them you thought it was important that they know how much you love their Mom and how wonderful she is. Don’t ad lib here, boys. Whatever you do, don’t try to be a George Carlin or friggin Andrew Dice Clay. BE NICE. That’s all. Serious and nice.

8. Make her a mixed CD. Oh for the love of God, it is not that difficult. Don’t be so goddamn lazy. You’ll walk a mile in the snow uphill both ways to drink a Coors Light with a buddy, am I right? So? So take 10 friggin minutes and make a mixed CD. Don’t add things like “Baby Got Back” either. Stick to classics. Stick to romance. Stick to lyrics that mean something or songs from when you first met. Lady GaGa and ACDC probably aren’t going to cut it here. Use your head. If your head is broken, call a friend of the one you love and ask for help.

9. Tonight when you go to sit on the couch, INSIST that she lay HER head in YOUR lap. Stroke her hair, tucking it behind her ears occasionally. Softly here. Don’t let your hands stray to her breasts either. FOCUS. This is strictly about her face and neck. Don’t try anything. Just let her enjoy your touch without believing she’s going to have to put her legs over her head anytime soon.

10. Tell her you love her at least 10 times in one day. Write it. Say it. Play it in music. SHOW IT. More than once. More than when you leave for work or go to sleep at night. What’s that country song? “Somewhere other than the night, she needs to hear you love her.”

OK. That’s it. The rest is up to you. (God save us). May the force be with you guys!

A Day In My Life

Disappointment: fixing a hot bowl of tomato soup (with milk) and a grilled cheese sandwich, only to find I am out of crackers.

Happiness: reaching out at night and touching a warm body that loves me—unconditionally.

Disgust: hearing someone suggest Sarah Palin might make a good President—or good anything.

Embarrassment: showing off my new jeans only to have Jerry laugh because I left the size sticker on.

Ambition: Having the dishwasher loaded, the washing machine running, and the bed made before 6 a.m.

Sloth: Convincing yourself that because you loaded the dishwasher, started the laundry and made the bed all before 6 a.m., you can lay on the sofa and watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” all day.

Boredom: Checking my Myspace page.

Suspicion: Ummmm. These aren’t MY sunglasses under the car seat.

Gluttony: Every middle-of-the-night-trip to the bathroom includes a handful of Cheddar Cheese and Sour Cream Chips.

Ecstasy: OK, even I’m not going to share that bit of information with YOU.

Fun: Finding some of those little-popper-thingys you throw on the ground and they “pop” & throwing them at the cats just as they fall asleep.

Contentment: Writing. About anything. Anytime. Anywhere.

randomness…isn’t it great?

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My New Man

For 25 years of my life, there was really only 1 man in my life. Just one. I loved him (still do, sorry to say) more than I did myself sometimes. I believed everything was better because he was in it. When he was with me, laughs were better. When he was with me, food tasted better. When he was with me, I felt at peace. I felt as if nothing could go wrong. Then, as many of you know, and as happens many times in life these days, that man left my life. Truth be known, we had left each other’s lives long before he physically stepped out the door. There I was. Manless.

Recently, however, as many of you also know, another man entered my life. I gotta tell you—when I write I close my eyes a lot. I close my eyes and try to fill all my senses with who or what it is that I’m trying to explain to you—my faithful reader. And today I’m finding it hard to keep my eyes closed because ALL I CAN DO IS SMILE!
I think of his face, and I smile. I think of his unconditional love for me, and I smile. I think of his arms around me and his voice and his eyes and I smile. All my senses scream one thing—I love this man.

Jaxon Zachery Backus is my 2 year old grandson. Within the next several weeks he will be joined at home by a little brother, never to be an only child again. I suppose when that happens, we often spend time mulling over the realization that it’s going to be difficult for the older child. I’ve been thinking about that Jaxon, and I wanted to speak directly to you about your 2 little years thus far on earth.

Know that you are loved. My God, are you loved. Mom and Dad, Grandmas, Grandpas, G-Pa’s, Ya-Ya, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, everybody sees you as a precious little angle sent to us—and you are.

I spent some time at your Mom’s home and had the privilege of taking care of you. It wasn’t easy. Lots of spilled soda, and sticky messes, and walks to the post office. Lots of chasing you away from the road, and trying to convince you that books were better than Nerf shotguns. Lots of poopy diapers and missing baby bottles. Lots of trouble. But there was lots of love too, baby boy. I couldn’t get enough of you, and although I cannot speak for you, I think you couldn’t get enough of me either. We watched TV together every day at naptime, when you insisted on holding my earlobe while you drank your “ba ba.” We walked to the post office every day, when you insisted on carrying the box key (and lost it more than once). We laughed, and read books, and colored, and made Ya-Ya’s famous popcorn. And the whole time I spent with you I couldn’t get enough of you. Your hair, that beautiful blonde, soft as a baby chicks. Your quizzical looks, always asking questions. Your laugh, your hug, your eyes—exactly the same color as mine. I inhaled you. Literally inhaled you into me and thanked God for you.

Some days I am so excited to think of what you will become when you grow up. To think of all the possibilities life has in store for you fills me with wonder. Those times are also tempered with sadness. A plea in my heart to keep you small. To keep your hands small enough to fit into mine, and you light enough for me to sweep up in my arms and hold tight. To keep those quizzical looks on your face, instead of the “knowing-all” looks kids get when they get older. Soon you will be an older brother. But you will always be my baby.

I love you Jax.